Sassy Gay Friend - Regina Mills
by ReginasPeasant
Summary: Meet Regina Mills from ABC's Once Upon a Time. She is about to set a curse over the entire Enchanted Forest, taking away everyone's happy ending (and in turn her own.) This fate could have been avoided if she had a Sassy Gay Friend. Quick little one shot. Swan Queen endgame.


_Author's Note: May do more. Not quite sure. Tell me what you think. Hope you enjoy!_

* * *

Regina Mills was just about to toss her father's heart into the stirring magical vortex when a voice came out of nowhere. "What are you doing?! What, what, what are you doing?!"

"Just who the hell are you?"

"The fairest of them all, and I _know _you did not just get all Sassgina Mills on me? That's _my_ job. Tone it down."

"Excuse me, I'm a little busy getting my happy ending."

"Again, the attitude stops." the man held up his index finger to Regina's face. "Now, lesi-honest, are you _really _going to get your happy ending?"

"I will have my vengeance, and in my vengeance..."

"Save it, Alice in Wonderland. I'm not falling down the rabbit hole to crazy town today, thank you."

"Snow White will pay for what she has done to me!"

"You can't still be on that."

"She killed Daniel!"

"No, that was your crazy ass mother, Cora. I mean, she _literally_ doesn't have a heart. I don't understand how you haven't gotten that."

"Wait a minute, does that mean you on _her_ side?"

"Oh. No. No, Snow White's a stupid bitch who needed to keep her mouth shut."

Regina's muscles loosened. She was happy someone finally saw things her way. "So, can I get back to what I was doing?"

"Oh no! _I'd_ be the stupid bitch if I let you do this!"

"Excuse you? I'm the queen, and I will do as I please."

"You killed your own father."

"Sacrifices had to be made."

"For a curse?! Do you even know where you are going?"

"Somewhere horrible."

"And you can say that with a smile on your face? Do you wantto know where you're going? Maine. Do you want what happens in Maine? Nothing! That's why no one goes there!"

"It sounds perfect."

"Again with the smiling. Well, I can only imagine where your mother is in all of this."

"She's already dead. I had her killed."

"Well, aren't you just a bag full of crazy today? However, I have to say. Are you sure she is really dead?" Sassy Gay Friend gave a little perplexed look which made Regina doubt herself.

"Hook!" The queen screamed as her partner in crime stumbled out of the bushes. "Is my mother alive?!"

"Well..."

"Is she still alive?!"

"Yes."

Regina rolled her eyes and screamed. "You had one job! One job, Hook. To kill my mother! Now, I find out you can't even do that."

"Hello." the man in the orange scarf pushed his way past Regina. "And just who might you be?"

The captain shook the guest's hand awkwardly. "Killian. Killian Jones."

Regina dismissed the obvious flirting and maintained her stare. "I should have killed you long ago."

Sassy Gay Friend snapped his head around. "You will not touch a hair on his pretty little head!"

Regina ignored him. "What did she offer you, Hook? Wealth. Safety. Vengeance."

The pirate simply shrugged. "I'm easily swayed."

"I bet you are." Sassy Gay Friend replied with a wink of his eye.

Regina flicked her cloak behind her, and conquered up a ball of fire. "You useless pirate. I'll show you what happens to people who betray the queen!"

"Whoa there, you stupid bitch! I have had enough of your piss poor attitude. Do you want to know why you are setting this curse?"

Regina gridded her teeth in anger. "So, Snow White can finally pay for what she's done to me!"

"No. It's because nobody loves you, and you are tired of everyone else getting loved _except_ you. Look at your life. Look at your choices. You befriended your mother's lover because he promised you revenge. Newsflash sweetheart, he got you hooked on magic like crack cocaine, and now he's using you. Side note: you have _a lot_ pent up aggression. When was the last time you've been laid?"

The queen's face wilted. "I... I just wanted to win. For once."

"Oh come here." Sassy Gay Friend grabbed the queen in a hug. "Poor little Regina. Lost her true love. You have very good taste, by the way."

"Thank you."

"Really. I mean, damn. He was..."

"I know. I just miss him so much." Regina put her face in the man's chest, and cried.

"Okay, you're going to have to back away. You're getting all teary eyed on my scarf." Regina pulled back. "I love you, sweetie, but it's silk."

Sassy Gay Friend sighed and took Regina by the shoulders and smiled waywardly. "Listen, I know your mother needs to be on some serious antipsychotic medications, but that doesn't give you the right to ruin everyone elses life."

"I'm just so alone." Regina said still trying to get her crying under control.

"You stupid bitch you don't have to be."

"Wha'?"

The man in the orange scarf turned Regina around to see a tall leggy woman in skinny jeans, a white tank top, and bouncy blond hair. "Hi, I'm Emma Swan."

Regina stood with her mouth hanging open. "H...he...hello."

She turned and whispered to her Sassy Gay Friend "How is she even here?"

"It's magic, sweetheart. Don't question it, just accept it. Now go on you stupid bitch, and make me some magical babies."

Regina smiled wide as she skipped away from her would-be curse, and left hand in hand with Emma Swan, her own personal savior.

"She's a stupid bitch." Sassy Gay Friend said as he flipped his scarf over his shoulder. He sighed. "Now, for my happy ending. Oh. Killian?!"


End file.
